We’ll Deal with This Ominous Space Orb on a State and Local Level

There is no “one size fits all” solution to eliminating the threat of a sinister, sun-blocking entity fourteen times the diameter of our planet.

“Look, there is no federal solution. This gets solved at a state level.” — President Biden on a COVID-⁠19 Response Team call with the National Governors Association, December 27, 2021

My fellow Americans, I come to you tonight with an update on the unprecedented circumstances we, as a nation, find ourselves in. Like so many of you, I have become increasingly concerned by the appearance of the massive, colorless Orb looming just beyond Earth’s atmosphere.

I want to assure you that the Federal Government won’t stand idly by in the face of this unidentifiable object’s menacing presence. At this time, we are actively and rapidly insisting it’s best to address this menacing Orb situation at a local level.

The strength of the United States lies in our diverse people, regions, and traditions. As such, there is no “one size fits all” solution to eliminating the threat of a sinister, sun-blocking entity fourteen times the diameter of our planet.

Every state is going to be impacted differently. We are encouraged by the fact that, so far, counties not directly in line with the trajectory of the Orb’s single, glowing portal are reporting fewer ripple effects from the electromagnetic frequencies emanating from the orb’s abyss.

Assuming the Orb’s ever-brightening aperture is, as U.N. scientists predict, preparing to unleash a beam of pure energy and punch a hole clean through Earth’s core, some cities won’t even begin to experience total devastation until a few milliseconds after impact. Parts of Hawaii and Alaska may not be erased from existence much, if at all.

For now, the Federal response is to continue approaching the Orb’s unknown intentions with a sense of cautious optimism.

This administration also recognizes the physical and mental toll the Orb’s arrival is taking on our citizens nationwide. We also recognize that, other than living under the endless darkness of its shadow…