We’re an AMERICAN Restaurant and We Only Do FULL-CONTACT Delivery

No masks. No gloves. But a whole lotta Justin.

image by author

This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at gutbombhumor.com

We’re back!

As you all know from our unfairly suspended (censored!) Facebook page, it wasn’t our decision to shut down Biff’s Bar & Grille. Our wuss governor caved to the liberal media and the hoax virus, forcing us to close our dining room and limit our Freedoms to takeout and delivery.

But now that nearly 1% of the state’s population is genetically modified — oops, we mean “vaccinated” — and things are completely back to normal, we’re stoked to feed our friends and neighbors in a whole new way.

Just place your order over the phone, online, or by DMing us on Parler. When that doorbell ding-dongs, get ready: Full-Contact Delivery is about to begin.

Upon opening the door, our maskless and gloveless delivery driver will press their body against yours as you both shout the Pledge of Allegiance at each other’s faces.

Following a lingering, joint-to-joint, full-body embrace, the driver will enter your home and present your boxless and bagless food in an unwashed bucket containing your entire order mixed together. (Don’t worry, our chef has personally handled every single item and assured its quality by giving it a lick of approval.)

The driver will then immediately disrobe and demand you do the same.

Let’s get a few things out of the way:

Once you’re both fully nude and re-engaged in embrace, the driver will proceed to cup one hand and spread the fingers of his other hand. These are the only “utensils” we provide. The driver will then feed you with their hand-fork and hand-spoon. That’s right, because we’re not scared of a little germ anymore, the driver will literally put fistfuls of hot pasta and grilled tilapia directly into your own mouth.

We cannot stress enough how this is NOT a sex thing. It’s about personal responsibility and liberties and not letting the government tell you what you can and can’t do. How your food is delivered and into which orifice is between you and Justin.

While other restaurants might be fine with bending the knee to Communist Cancel Culture by handing your order off quickly and efficiently with “social-ISM distancing,” we’re going the extra mile at our patriotic AMERICAN restaurant.

If children are present in the home, we suggest you allow them to observe the Full-Contact Delivery ritual, as though it was a Blue Angels flyover or a Veterans Day parade. Saluting is encouraged.

A final note: Please do NOT tip extra for this service. Donate your money to re-elect Ted Cruz instead.

We look forward to sharing this new, uniquely AMERICAN dining experience with you soon.

Q bless you,
The Biff’s Bar & Grille crew

(Alternatively, food may simply be left on your doorstep upon your request. We forgot to apply for a PPP loan because we were too upset about the castration of Mr. Potato Head, so we appreciate any and all business during these trying times.)

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs.

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