We’re an AMERICAN Restaurant and We Only Do FULL-CONTACT Delivery

Adam Campbell-Schmitt
3 min readApr 2, 2021

No masks. No gloves. But a whole lotta Justin.

image by author

This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at gutbombhumor.com

We’re back!

As you all know from our unfairly suspended (censored!) Facebook page, it wasn’t our decision to shut down Biff’s Bar & Grille. Our wuss governor caved to the liberal media and the hoax virus, forcing us to close our dining room and limit our Freedoms to takeout and delivery.

But now that nearly 1% of the state’s population is genetically modified — oops, we mean “vaccinated” — and things are completely back to normal, we’re stoked to feed our friends and neighbors in a whole new way.

Just place your order over the phone, online, or by DMing us on Parler. When that doorbell ding-dongs, get ready: Full-Contact Delivery is about to begin.

Upon opening the door, our maskless and gloveless delivery driver will press their body against yours as you both shout the Pledge of Allegiance at each other’s faces.

Following a lingering, joint-to-joint, full-body embrace, the driver will enter your home and present your boxless and bagless food in an unwashed bucket containing your entire order mixed together. (Don’t worry, our chef has personally handled every single item and assured its quality by giving it a lick of approval.)

The driver will then immediately disrobe and demand you do the same.

Let’s get a few things out of the way:

  • No, this is NOT prostitution. It’s patriotism.
  • No, you cannot request either a male or female driver, it’s whoever’s on shift, which is almost always the owner’s nephew Justin.
  • No, ketchup packets will not automatically be included. If you want ketchup, please ask.

Once you’re both fully nude and re-engaged in embrace, the driver will proceed to cup one hand and spread the fingers of his other hand. These are the only “utensils” we provide. The driver will then feed you with their hand-fork and hand-spoon. That’s right, because we’re not scared of a little germ anymore, the driver will literally put…

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Adam Campbell-Schmitt

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs. Twitter: @adamcswrites