Wear a Chin Mask, Dipshit!

Adam Campbell-Schmitt
2 min readMay 5, 2020

We must protect our chins from COVID-19 at all costs!

Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

So I’m walking outside this morning to get my daily Dunkin’ fix, breathing the fresh spring air into my unencumbered nostrils and sucking orange creamsicle-flavored e-cig vapor through my properly socially-distanced mouth, and what do I see? A bunch of you assclowns waltzing around without any protection! What in the hell are you thinking?

Get a freakin’ mask and cover the most important part of your freakin’ face: the chin!

Sure, I also see a lot of people wearing masks that cover their nose, mouth, and chin, which — according to my uncle who golfs with a doctor — is probably overkill. Obviously, we can whip our masks up over our mouths and noses when we see the virus coming at us. Like how SWAT teams keep their bulletproof vests in the back of the van just in case they start getting shot. That’s good old fashioned common sense. You’re an adult and you can make the best judgment as to whether an invisible, life-threatening parasite is on its way into your respiratory system. This is still America, after all.

Look, does it completely suck that the economy has shut down and people are losing their jobs and entire industries are tanking with little hope of recovery? Sure. Does it completely blow that TOOL postponed their spring tour? One hundred percent.

But we must protect the most vulnerable chins among us!

These are unprecedented times for chin health. We already know the virus can hurt the lungs of old people who aren’t related to us or whatever, but nobody really knows how coronavirus impacts chins (or necks or pockets—two more good places to put a mask when your naked face seems safe enough).

Think about the people who can’t cover their entire chin with a mask, like Jay Leno or Quentin Tarantino or Thanos. Do we really want to live in a world without them?

Yeah, it hits home now, doesn’t it?

And if you think your chin is any way immune-compromised, you should scrub your jaw-knob with soap for 20 seconds at a time or smear Purell into your cleft crevice after every outing with your day drinking buddies to a crowded public beach.

But your first line of defense is a loose-fitting mask tucked casually below your lower lip. Got it?

Just use your head and cover your chin. We’re all doing our partial part.

Adam Campbell-Schmitt

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs. Twitter: @adamcswrites