If Harry and Meghan don’t want the job, we’ll take it.
To Her Majesty the Queen and other assorted Royals:
As their Highnesses Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan have made clear their wishes to voluntarily withdraw from Royal life, I, Lord Chester of Widdlesby, Queen Elizabeth’s fifth great-grandnephew thrice removed, and my wife Prunella (whom we call Piffy) are calling official dibs on their spot.
After mere moments of reflection and zero discussions with anyone at Buckingham Palace, we intend to step up as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family, becoming completely financially dependent on Her Majesty and the great people of Britain. It is with multiple outstanding debts and zero marketable skills that we feel prepared to make this adjustment.
Piffy and I plan to balance our time between the London and our recently condemned home, Widdlesby Manor. As we have spent the past 46 years in said damp abode, we will move into Kensington Palace immediately and indefinitely to make up for lost time.
Both Piffy and I are overjoyed to be expanding our roles and eager to share our personalities and passions with people in the United Kingdom and around the world. Some of the pet causes we’re fond of include donating blood (for extra cash), volunteering to go first at buffet lines, and advocating for fewer children in public places.
I can often be found spending afternoons playing a version of horseless polo in which I gallop about the ballroom while straddling a broomstick, as I’m terrified of large mammals. Piffy’s hobbies include collecting and naming deceased houseflies (she has well over 100!), dining on the latest varieties of tinned Vienna sausages, and tying knots into her own hair — a unique take on knitting, which she’s never quite had the knack for. Like Meghan, Kate, and Diana before her, we’re sure the public is going to love everything about Piffy, from her room-filling guttural laughter to her enchantingly prolapsed eyes.
Along with our newly adopted Royal duties, we fully expect to be scrutinized, investigated, and otherwise ripped to shreds by the British tabloids, a sacrifice we’re more than willing to make for a non-rotting roof over our heads and hot running water. Since we’re heretofore largely unknown to the press, we’ve taken the liberty of highlighting a few potentially juicy stories to get them started:
- I, Chester, have had sexual relations with approximately four people: My wife, once on our wedding night and never again due to recurring bouts of nausea for both parties; My second cousin, Marcie, who I did not know was my cousin at the time; A drag queen very convincingly dressed as Cher (The actual Cher had just broken up with Sonny, so I assumed she was on the prowl. An honest mistake, and a nice enough fellow.); My second cousin, Beatrice, who I did know was my cousin at the time.
- Piffy’s family formerly had ties to the Nazis, but mostly via each other’s Christmas card lists.
- I’ve suffered from excessive flatulence since childhood—perhaps the papers could have a laugh by dubbing me something like “The Duke of Breaking Wind-sor.” I could even appear on chat shows and fart into a microphone to make the monarchy more relatable. Just an idea.
- I do not have any connection to Jeffrey Epstein, however, years back at a charity benefit for underprivileged pheasants, I bumped into actor Robert Hegyes who played Juan Epstein on Welcome Back, Kotter. Perhaps something there?
- I actively collect porcelain figurines of clowns in the nude, but I would prefer this remain a private matter.
Piffy and I look forward to finally meeting Her Majesty The Queen, The Prince of Wales, The Duke of Cambridge, and all relevant parties who should feel free to begin including us in family functions posthaste. We are incredibly grateful to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex for stepping down and providing us the opportunity to step into the spotlight (so to speak, as any exposure to actual light gives me a rash).
Their Soon-to-Be Royal Highnesses, Chester and Piffy Widdlesby