New Jobs for NYC Apartment Brokers

Brokers gonna broke.

Photo by Goh Rhy Yan on Unsplash

In an eleventh-hour move, the New York City Council recently passed legislation essentially banning the city’s notorious real estate brokers from charging unwitting tenants a fee for their unrequested services. It could potentially bring equity to an out-of-control rental market while wiping out an entire industry of enterprising middlepeople.

But brokers gonna broke. So here are a few new gigs NYC’s out-of-work real estate brokers should consider:

Uber Broker
Anyone who has opened a rideshare app in NYC knows it’s almost always surge pricing, and in such a competitive market, drivers are far too busy harassing or otherwise making their current riders feel uncomfortable to figure out who they’re picking up next. When a customer hails an Uber, a broker arrives at the same time as the vehicle to verify the rider’s star rating and open the car door.

Fee: 30x what taking a yellow cab would have cost.

Starbucks Mobile Order Broker
Starbucks staff are far too busy restocking cake pops to field dozens of extra orders coming in via the app. A broker accepts multiple orders (with $75 application fee, each) and, based on Experian credit scores, prioritizes the customers most likely to actually show up to pick up their coffee.

Fee: $1,000 per shot of espresso.

Breakup Broker
Breaking up from a crummy relationship is difficult, but disaffected lovers are far too busy internalizing the feeling that things aren’t working out to actually go through with it. Before cuffing season hits, a broker arrives to facilitate uncoupling, not by communicating any terms or requests or actually delivering the breakup message, but by making the restaurant reservation under their own name and briefly meeting the soon-to-be exes at the coat check. (Subject to multiple “can’t make it, must reschedule” text messages.)

Fee: 15% of all emotional investment in the relationship or $6,000, whichever is greater.

Baby Broker
Hospitals are far too busy billing patients by the square for toilet paper to figure out whose baby is whose. Once a newborn is delivered, the broker arrives to receive the baby in the nursery and holds it there until the parents supply proof of identification, 12 months of pay stubs, and bank statements indicating they can afford the good diapers. If not, the baby will be given to the next most eligible parents.

Fee: 12% of the child’s 4-year private school tuition upfront.

Sex Broker
Loners and sex addicts are far too busy replying to critical tweets about Joker to find a lover. When a lonely person gets aroused, a broker arranges for a sex worker to show up via the (newly-refocused) Street Easy app and leaves a key to the customer’s apartment in a lockbox out front (code: 1234).

Fee: 300% of bail when the broker is arrested for pimping.

Landlord
Collect money from tenants for doing absolutely nothing? This one should come easily.

Fee: Literally whatever you want to charge.

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs.

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