Alternatives to Twitter

Adam Campbell-Schmitt
2 min readApr 26, 2022

They’re not ideal, but they’re not owned by Elon Musk.

Photo by Souvik Banerjee on Unsplash

So you’ve found yourself making a sudden departure from Twitter but still craving the communication platform and captive audience that social media provides? Here are a few options to consider:

Comission Aerial Leaflet Drops
Hire a cargo plane or zeppelin to scatter printed slips of paper bearing your spoiler-filled opinion of the latest Batman reboot across enemy lines.

Publish an Influential Society Gossip Pamphlet
Just take your old Twitter handle and slap “Lady” or “Lord” in front of it, then spill all the tea on whichever annoying YouTube Kids personality your toddler is obsessed with this week to the entire “ton.”

Write Popsicle Stick Jokes
Sure, it’s best to shoot for crowd-pleasing riddles, but it’s probably okay if the occasional super serious comment about current geopolitical events slips in.

Start Direct-Mail Advertising
Trying to grow your follower count? Take the money you’ve just saved from canceling Twitter Blue and buy a list of leads from a datamining company. Then send your complaints about older/younger generations to everyone’s physical address for the reasonable cost of bulk-rate postage.

Call into AM Talk Radio Shows
It’s being a reply guy, but out loud.

Land a Staff Writer Gig at The Tonight Show
You’ll reach millions of moderately-educated fans as Jimmy Fallon repeats your snarky-yet-safe takes on everything from the latest red carpet looks to a dinnerplate-deep understanding of what’s going on in Washington.

Pastor a Megachurch
Devoted followers? Check! Thirst for corny jokes? Check. Threat of excommunication? Check!

Draw Political Cartoons
If 90% of your Twitter interactions are reaction gifs, this one’s for you! Get doodling!

Talk with Friends in Person
Probably the least desirable alternative, as you’ll have to actually make plans to share your witticisms and bon mots or announce which breakfast foods are garbage. Plus you’ll have to wear clothes.

Pontificate in the Agora
It worked for Aristotle!

Reactivate Your Facebook Account
All the toxicity and endless scrolling of Twitter with a lot more baby pictures and aunts. But hey, at least the soulless billionaire who owns that platform actually invented something!

Adam Campbell-Schmitt

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs. Twitter: @adamcswrites