Masks required.

Dear Colleagues,

Once again, thank you to everyone on the team for your continued patience with our ever-evolving return to work plan. We’ve missed seeing you all in person, creating the environment of community and collaboration that makes our company thrive. But we also have to justify our lease of…

This movie definitely doesn’t stink.

It’s easy to say Hollywood is out of original ideas, and when I first read in the trades that Tarō Gomi’s potty-positive tome Everyone Poops had been optioned as a live-action family film, I can’t say I didn’t clench at the idea of yet another beloved classic of children’s literature…

Screens down and gather ‘round, everyone! Your dad has an important announcement.

This family meeting marks a major milestone in our household. After numerous DIY projects that have consistently improved from “call the contractor” to “not half bad, if I do say so myself” I will heretofore be referring to our garage as “The Shop.”

As you may have surmised from the…

We’ve never claimed otherwise.

“We have a website out there called subwaytunafacts.com. It will take you through all the science. You can see every bit of the story there, and I think that will obviously put the facts out there and clarify all these misconceptions. […] People love our tuna…

Bubbles and slime can only occupy them for so long…

Clothing Boutique

We’re opening a store! Better keep all these freshly laundered clothes folded and stacked so they look nice and neat for your customer who is working on their laptop now but will come check out the inventory once this Zoom meeting is over!

Spaceport

Oh no, traffic is backed up at…

It’s time for dad to distance himself from his favorite guitar god.

“Several months after Eric Clapton first began spreading coronavirus misinformation, which recently culminated in an anti-vaccination and anti-lockdown crusade, the musician admitted that his coterie of famous pals have begun to cut off communication with him. […] ‘I just don’t hear from them anymore. My phone doesn’t ring very often…

Don’t get up! We’ll bring you everything we need.

Happy Mother’s Day, mommy!

We love you so much! Thank you for everything you do. As a token of our appreciation, the whole family has brought you breakfast ingredients in bed!

Yes, we said ingredients. As in, we need you to cook them.

Okay, so Declan said he doesn’t like…

We can’t allow an uneven number to erase a catchy, educational song.

As a patriotic, complication-averse American, I reject the idea of D.C. statehood solely on the grounds that it would effectively “cancel” the most educational tune in the American songbook.

Its opening refrain declares, and rightly so, “Fifty nifty United States, from thirteen original colonies…” This song — a catchy little…

It’s hard to tell…

This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at gutbombhumor.com

If you’re experiencing any of these feelings, it could be because you’re horny or it could be because it’s ramps season — that short window of…

No masks. No gloves. But a whole lotta Justin.

This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at gutbombhumor.com

We’re back!

As you all know from our unfairly suspended (censored!) Facebook page, it wasn’t our decision to shut down Biff’s…

Adam Campbell-Schmitt

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs. Twitter: @adamcswrites

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