No masks. No gloves. But a whole lotta Justin.

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This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at

We’re back!

As you all know from our unfairly suspended (censored!) Facebook page, it wasn’t our decision to shut down Biff’s Bar & Grille. Our wuss governor caved to the liberal media and the hoax virus, forcing us to close our dining room and limit our Freedoms to takeout and delivery.

But now that nearly 1% of the state’s population is genetically modified — oops, we mean “vaccinated” — and things…

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This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I wasn’t prepared for it to be so cruel.

All I want — all I’ve ever wanted since I was a budding bromeliad — is to be on a pizza.

But the minute a pineapple like me shows up, there are sneers on half of the faces in the crowd. They have no issue loudly decrying our presence in our presence, proudly declaring their bigotry, and shouting down those who disagree.

I’m sick…

Here’s what your realtor, home inspector, and the previous owners are all leaving out.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

A house is likely the biggest purchase you’ll ever make, and yet every part of the process — from deciphering “realtorspeak” in listings to navigating home inspections to finally receiving a set of keys — has its own mysteries and pitfalls. Even when you do finally sign the title and start unpacking boxes, you may find some questions left obtusely unanswered. Here are six things they don’t tell you when you buy a house:

1. There are spiders in the basement

You were probably too enamored with the good bones and original craftsman-style molding to notice, or daydreaming about picking the perfect muted paint swatches for each…

Ted Cruz abandons his constituents. Gallant… yeah, wouldn’t.

Ted Cruz plans a vacation during a crisis.
Gallant finds ways to be helpful.

Ted Cruz books a flight to a Mexican resort town while his state is suffering power outages, water shortages, food scarcity, and freezing temperatures.
Gallant — oof! — definitely doesn’t do that.

Ted Cruz actually gets on the airplane, not thinking twice about the fact that it’s, at the very least, bad optics.
Gallant knows that would be political suicide.

Ted Cruz makes up an excuse about how he, like any good dad, is just chaperoning his family…

We’re endlessly busy at the moment.

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Thank you for contacting Sisyphus Snow Removal!

While we would love to be your go-to provider for swift and efficient plowing and shoveling, we are currently unable to book any future appointments as our entire team is constantly dispatched in an unending blizzard.

At this time, our services are under an exclusive, open-ended contract with Zeus County. Also, due to a permitting issue with the Hades Township, we are only serving the neighborhoods on the nether side of Styx Avenue.

Unfortunately, county regulations only allow for us to remove as much snow as has…

That’s “could,” not “should.”

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Donald Trump: Gameshow hosting experience, familiar with paying people off for asking questions.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Scientist, expert at providing answers nobody’s asked for.

The GEICO Gecko: Trusted, astute, due for a career boost.

Kanye West: Self-declared god, presumably omniscient, saves $$$ on cue cards. (Bonus: Possible Kanye West remix of the Jeopardy theme!)

A Hologram of Robert Kardashian: No salary required, experience explaining Double Jeopardy. (Bonus: Possible Kanye West remix of the Jeopardy theme!)

Terry Gross: No more awkward chats with contestants.

Borat: Way more awkward chats with contestants. Nice!

Bull from Night Court: I…

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Welcome to Spirit Halloween! While we don’t have the officially-licensed timely costume you’re looking for, we do have these suitable, generic knockoffs that still get the point across:

Bottle of Purell — Sterile Goop Dispenser

Facemask — Blue Mouth Rectangle

Coronavirus — Death Breath Microbe

“Cats” Movie Character — Horny Uncanny Feline

Tom Nook from “Animal Crossing” — Sexy Salesman Racoon

Zoom Window — Could Have Been An Email Box

Jeffrey Toobin — Jerking Journalist

Meghan Markle — Downgraded Duchess

Prince Harry — Flushed Royal

Murder Hornet — Assault Bee

NBA Bubble Player — Plastic Wrapped Athlete

Fly on Mike…

Don’t let your cake—or your viewing experience—become “claggy.”

Photo by Brina Blum on Unsplash

If you’ve ever tuned into The Great British Baking Show and found yourself feeling like they’re speaking a different language, you’re not alone. Americans and Brits have many words that don’t cross cultures even though we all supposedly speak English. So I sat down and watched a few episodes with the subtitles turned on and I’m relatively confident I’ve deciphered what the Paul, Prue, and the bakers are talking about.

Here’s my primer on some common U.K. baking terms every U.S. viewer should know:

Biscuit — a cookie

Cookie — a biscuit

Your pensive patriarch doesn’t want another necktie.

“Dad” rhymes with “sad.” (via Pixabay)

Father’s Day is all about celebrating your dear old dad for the man he is. But while there’s a sea of gift guides suggesting whiskey stones, Leatherman multitools, and meat-of-the-month subscriptions, these generalized lists don’t take into account the pops out there who don’t fit that rugged, beer-swigging, sports-loving stereotype. Here’s a curated list of things your moody, melancholy father actually wants, but could never bring himself to tell you.

  • A satchel of smoothed agates, what for turning over in one’s hand while thinking.
  • Biscuits, fresh but cold.
  • A carefree day of cloud…

Adam Campbell-Schmitt

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs.

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