That’s “could,” not “should.”

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Donald Trump: Gameshow hosting experience, familiar with paying people off for asking questions.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Scientist, expert at providing answers nobody’s asked for.

The GEICO Gecko: Trusted, astute, due for a career boost.

Kanye West: Self-declared god, presumably omniscient, saves $$$ on cue cards. (Bonus: Possible Kanye West remix of the Jeopardy theme!)

A Hologram of Robert Kardashian: No salary required, experience explaining Double Jeopardy. (Bonus: Possible Kanye West remix of the Jeopardy theme!)

Terry Gross: No more awkward chats with contestants.

Borat: Way more awkward chats with contestants. Nice!

Bull from Night Court: I loved that guy, what happened to him? …


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Welcome to Spirit Halloween! While we don’t have the officially-licensed timely costume you’re looking for, we do have these suitable, generic knockoffs that still get the point across:

Bottle of Purell — Sterile Goop Dispenser

Facemask — Blue Mouth Rectangle

Coronavirus — Death Breath Microbe

“Cats” Movie Character — Horny Uncanny Feline

Tom Nook from “Animal Crossing” — Sexy Salesman Racoon

Zoom Window — Could Have Been An Email Box

Jeffrey Toobin — Jerking Journalist

Meghan Markle — Downgraded Duchess

Prince Harry — Flushed Royal

Murder Hornet — Assault Bee

NBA Bubble Player — Plastic Wrapped Athlete

Fly on Mike Pence’s Head — Homophobic Hair…


Don’t let your cake—or your viewing experience—become “claggy.”

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Photo by Brina Blum on Unsplash

If you’ve ever tuned into The Great British Baking Show and found yourself feeling like they’re speaking a different language, you’re not alone. Americans and Brits have many words that don’t cross cultures even though we all supposedly speak English. So I sat down and watched a few episodes with the subtitles turned on and I’m relatively confident I’ve deciphered what the Paul, Prue, and the bakers are talking about.

Here’s my primer on some common U.K. baking terms every U.S. viewer should know:

Biscuit — a cookie

Cookie — a biscuit

Grams — small lbs. …


Your pensive patriarch doesn’t want another necktie.

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“Dad” rhymes with “sad.” (via Pixabay)

Father’s Day is all about celebrating your dear old dad for the man he is. But while there’s a sea of gift guides suggesting whiskey stones, Leatherman multitools, and meat-of-the-month subscriptions, these generalized lists don’t take into account the pops out there who don’t fit that rugged, beer-swigging, sports-loving stereotype. Here’s a curated list of things your moody, melancholy father actually wants, but could never bring himself to tell you.

  • A satchel of smoothed agates, what for turning over in one’s hand while thinking.
  • Biscuits, fresh but cold.
  • A carefree day of cloud counting, like those childhood summers at Shrutter’s Pond. …


We must protect our chins from COVID-19 at all costs!

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Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

So I’m walking outside this morning to get my daily Dunkin’ fix, breathing the fresh spring air into my unencumbered nostrils and sucking orange creamsicle-flavored e-cig vapor through my properly socially-distanced mouth, and what do I see? A bunch of you assclowns waltzing around without any protection! What in the hell are you thinking?

Get a freakin’ mask and cover the most important part of your freakin’ face: the chin!

Sure, I also see a lot of people wearing masks that cover their nose, mouth, and chin, which — according to my uncle who golfs with a doctor — is probably overkill. Obviously, we can whip our masks up over our mouths and noses when we see the virus coming at us. Like how SWAT teams keep their bulletproof vests in the back of the van just in case they start getting shot. That’s good old fashioned common sense. You’re an adult and you can make the best judgment as to whether an invisible, life-threatening parasite is on its way into your respiratory system. …


Can giant rabbits transmit COVID–19?

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Image by Hans Braxmeier from Pixabay

Jesus may be able to resurrect his way to that big upstate in the sky and ride out the coronavirus pandemic at his dad’s house, but unfortunately, the rest of us sinners are all cooped up in our tomb-like homes this Easter. And with egg prices on the rise and the CDC telling us to stay home and avoid people, the usual traditions aren’t advisable or even affordable. Here are some exciting alternatives to pastel-dyed chicken ova to hide in nooks and crannies around the house this Easter:

  • Expired olives (like zesty Cadbury Mini Eggs!)
  • Tide Pods (so pretty!) …


Brokers gonna broke.

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Photo by Goh Rhy Yan on Unsplash

In an eleventh-hour move, the New York City Council recently passed legislation essentially banning the city’s notorious real estate brokers from charging unwitting tenants a fee for their unrequested services. It could potentially bring equity to an out-of-control rental market while wiping out an entire industry of enterprising middlepeople.

But brokers gonna broke. So here are a few new gigs NYC’s out-of-work real estate brokers should consider:

Uber Broker
Anyone who has opened a rideshare app in NYC knows it’s almost always surge pricing, and in such a competitive market, drivers are far too busy harassing or otherwise making their current riders feel uncomfortable to figure out who they’re picking up next. …


“The Big Game” isn’t your only option.

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Photo by Dave Adamson on Unsplash

Every year, Americans turn on their TVs, whip up some wings, dip some chips, and guzzle a few brews while tuning into the biggest sporting event of the year. But if you’re a brand or other moneymaking venture trying to capitalize on the end-of-season football fervor, the pesky NFL makes it nearly impossible to use the term “Super Bowl” in your advertisements and marketing materials without permission or paying up.

This year, instead of relying on that tired standby euphemism “The Big Game” to refer to Super Bowl LIV, try one of these other creative options for a lawsuit-free…


If Harry and Meghan don’t want the job, we’ll take it.

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Photo by Debbie Fan on Unsplash

To Her Majesty the Queen and other assorted Royals:

As their Highnesses Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan have made clear their wishes to voluntarily withdraw from Royal life, I, Lord Chester of Widdlesby, Queen Elizabeth’s fifth great-grandnephew thrice removed, and my wife Prunella (whom we call Piffy) are calling official dibs on their spot.

After mere moments of reflection and zero discussions with anyone at Buckingham Palace, we intend to step up as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family, becoming completely financially dependent on Her Majesty and the great people of Britain. …

About

Adam Campbell-Schmitt

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs.

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