Don’t get up! We’ll bring you everything we need.

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Happy Mother’s Day, mommy!

We love you so much! Thank you for everything you do. As a token of our appreciation, the whole family has brought you breakfast ingredients in bed!

Yes, we said ingredients. As in, we need you to cook them.

Okay, so Declan said he doesn’t like the way daddy makes pancakes. We’re not sure if they were cooked too long or not enough or if there’s some secret spice you put in that you could maybe whisper into daddy’s ear so he can try to recreate the voodoo that you do so well. But anyway, that…

We can’t allow an uneven number to erase a catchy, educational song.

Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash

As a patriotic, complication-averse American, I reject the idea of D.C. statehood solely on the grounds that it would effectively “cancel” the most educational tune in the American songbook.

Its opening refrain declares, and rightly so, “Fifty nifty United States, from thirteen original colonies…” This song — a catchy little earworm of a ditty — has, for generations, imparted upon American schoolchildren the imperative lesson of memorizing the name of every single state in alphabetical order. It’s too perfect, too inspired, dare I say even heaven-sent, that “fifty” rhymes with “nifty.”

We can’t turn our backs on such a pure…

It’s hard to tell…

Image by ICKH from Pixabay

This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at

If you’re experiencing any of these feelings, it could be because you’re horny or it could be because it’s ramps season — that short window of the year when those coveted wild leeks emerge in the woods and make a brief appearance at the grocery store. Honestly, it’s difficult to say…

  • You’re bored with your usual crop of options and you want something wild.
  • Your tolerance for kissing someone with garlicky breath is much lower than…

No masks. No gloves. But a whole lotta Justin.

image by author

This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at

We’re back!

As you all know from our unfairly suspended (censored!) Facebook page, it wasn’t our decision to shut down Biff’s Bar & Grille. Our wuss governor caved to the liberal media and the hoax virus, forcing us to close our dining room and limit our Freedoms to takeout and delivery.

But now that nearly 1% of the state’s population is genetically modified — oops, we mean “vaccinated” — and things…

image by author

This piece originally appeared in the Gut Bomb Humor Newsletter, a biweekly roundup of funny food writing. Subscribe at

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I wasn’t prepared for it to be so cruel.

All I want — all I’ve ever wanted since I was a budding bromeliad — is to be on a pizza.

But the minute a pineapple like me shows up, there are sneers on half of the faces in the crowd. They have no issue loudly decrying our presence in our presence, proudly declaring their bigotry, and shouting down those who disagree.

I’m sick…

Here’s what your realtor, home inspector, and the previous owners are all leaving out.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

A house is likely the biggest purchase you’ll ever make, and yet every part of the process — from deciphering “realtorspeak” in listings to navigating home inspections to finally receiving a set of keys — has its own mysteries and pitfalls. Even when you do finally sign the title and start unpacking boxes, you may find some questions left obtusely unanswered. Here are six things they don’t tell you when you buy a house:

1. There are spiders in the basement

You were probably too enamored with the good bones and original craftsman-style molding to notice, or daydreaming about picking the perfect muted paint swatches for each…

Ted Cruz abandons his constituents. Gallant… yeah, wouldn’t.

Ted Cruz plans a vacation during a crisis.
Gallant finds ways to be helpful.

Ted Cruz books a flight to a Mexican resort town while his state is suffering power outages, water shortages, food scarcity, and freezing temperatures.
Gallant — oof! — definitely doesn’t do that.

Ted Cruz actually gets on the airplane, not thinking twice about the fact that it’s, at the very least, bad optics.
Gallant knows that would be political suicide.

Ted Cruz makes up an excuse about how he, like any good dad, is just chaperoning his family…

We’re endlessly busy at the moment.

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Thank you for contacting Sisyphus Snow Removal!

While we would love to be your go-to provider for swift and efficient plowing and shoveling, we are currently unable to book any future appointments as our entire team is constantly dispatched in an unending blizzard.

At this time, our services are under an exclusive, open-ended contract with Zeus County. Also, due to a permitting issue with the Hades Township, we are only serving the neighborhoods on the nether side of Styx Avenue.

Unfortunately, county regulations only allow for us to remove as much snow as has…

That’s “could,” not “should.”

image by author

Donald Trump: Gameshow hosting experience, familiar with paying people off for asking questions.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Scientist, expert at providing answers nobody’s asked for.

The GEICO Gecko: Trusted, astute, due for a career boost.

Kanye West: Self-declared god, presumably omniscient, saves $$$ on cue cards. (Bonus: Possible Kanye West remix of the Jeopardy theme!)

A Hologram of Robert Kardashian: No salary required, experience explaining Double Jeopardy. (Bonus: Possible Kanye West remix of the Jeopardy theme!)

Terry Gross: No more awkward chats with contestants.

Borat: Way more awkward chats with contestants. Nice!

Bull from Night Court: I…

Adam Campbell-Schmitt

A writer and editor living, laughing, and loving in the NYC suburbs.

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